Revisiting Joan Didion's On Self-Respect: A reflection on individualism, empathy, and the self

What if self-respect isn't just about oneself?

Joan Didion’s essay on “Self-respect: Its Source, Its Power,” was first published in Vogue in 1961, and was republished as “On Self-Respect” in the author’s 1968 collection, Slouching Towards Bethlehem. It became a cultural touchstone, celebrated for exploring what it means to truly hold oneself accountable. The essay shows Didion’s sharp intellect and distinctive prose into a meditation on character, courage, and personal boundaries that define self-respect.

While the essay undoubtedly makes some strong points about personal accountability it makes one wonder: What if self-respect isn’t just about oneself? Her vision of self-respect seems to prioritize an individualistic approach to self-respect. So what happens when this pursuit of self-respect goes against the needs, feelings, and rights of others?

I deeply resonate with Didion’s idea to own our lives and take responsibility for our actions but after rereading the essay multiple times, I found myself questioning her arguments and its limitations. Is true self-respect something concerning our own, or does it inherently require respect for those around us?

According to Didion, self-respect emerges from the willingness to own one’s life, failures, and decisions. She refers to it as a kind of moral toughness, what she calls “character” a quality that resists the seduction of superficial validation or societal approval. For Didion, self-respect springs from a disciplined “habit of mind,” independent of external charm. Cultivating it requires self-awareness and accountability, even when our choices lead to failure. She cites adultery as an act requiring courage, not to endorse the act itself, but to emphasize owning one’s decisions, regardless of how others perceive them.

This perspective is bold and provocative, especially considering her times. Then again, is self-respect solely about personal integrity, or does it require consideration of the impact on others?

Didion claims that self-respect liberates individuals from the expectations and judgment of others. It is a way of reclaiming agency over one’s life, freeing oneself from the “alienation from self” that comes with seeking external validation. By respecting onself, she argues, one finds the power to assign value and meaning to their own actions, independent of external influence.

Yet while Didion’s vision holds undeniable truths, it feels incomplete from a point of view that values interconnectedness. At its core, her argument presumes the self as an isolated entity, capable of sustaining its worth independent of the world around it. However, I believe there is no self in isolation. We live in a shared world and are shaped by and shaping the lives of others. Our actions, values, and choices affect others and to claim that self-respect resides solely in the ability to comfort oneself, without regard for the impact on others, risks ignoring this fundamental truth. Are we respecting ourselves, or holding on to an ego-driven ideal that prizes individual integrity over shared humanity?

I believe one has to be fluid in the relationship with self-respect. At some point her vision of self-respect offered a sort of armor: the idea of cultivating a persona with clear boundaries and accountability as a way to demand dignity. As a survival mechanism, crafting a character, even temporarily, to navigate a world that often doesn't respect softness. It helped as an inner compass, something that was not just for endurance but also to define my place in the world. However, upon reflection, I believe self-respect is something that should include how we treat others, reflecting on a broader, more collective sense of responsibility. Challenging the idea of self-respect being purely about personal boundaries or courage in isolation as Didion suggests. Instead, I see it as relational. How we respect ourselves is not different from how we respect others and the world around us.

If self respect becomes selfish, it undermines its own integrity. After all, what kind of self-respect allows harm to others? It becomes disconnected from the empathy and compassion that binds us together as a part of a whole.

Ideally, there would be balance, where self-respect doesn’t come at the expense of others, and respect for others doesn’t erase our own need for boundaries. Of course, achieving a collective vision of self-respect is nearly impossible given the diversity of human nature. To not have all the answers, to strive for something that may never fully work, but still believe in the value of kindness, equality, and connection. That uncertainty might be where true self-respect is at. Allowing reflection, growth, and acknowledgment of our shared, flawed humanity.